I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
