I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
