I wish I could teleport
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
