I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
