I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
