I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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