Pappa wants mamma naked
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
