The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
