Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
