i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
