Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
this just has baby written all over it
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
