I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We don't watch enough power rangers
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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