I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
