drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
