She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
