I just made out with a guy for $7.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
