well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
