So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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