so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
