i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
