Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
