his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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