just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
