I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
