We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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