Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
