did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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