Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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