I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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