My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize