She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I wear drunk well.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
