I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
