I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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