It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
