i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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