official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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