You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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