Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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