my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
