Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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