I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
