this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
