Texts From Last Night

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  (206): View more from Washington

  Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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  (206): Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too. http://tfl.nu/q39q
  Replies (9) Good night (1696) Bad night (670)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Are you trying to threaten my boobs?

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  (402): Are you trying to threaten my boobs? http://tfl.nu/zkua
  Replies (17) Good night (3219) Bad night (1051)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...

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  (610): I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library... http://tfl.nu/atq4
  Replies (34) Good night (4462) Bad night (1472)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.

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  (480): Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start. http://tfl.nu/ri6j
  Replies (6) Good night (2703) Bad night (951)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?

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  (832): Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions? http://tfl.nu/z9u9
  Replies (14) Good night (3316) Bad night (1801)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis

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  (609): I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis http://tfl.nu/47d5
  Replies (5) Good night (2640) Bad night (1006)
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  (310): View more from California

  You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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  (310): You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders. http://tfl.nu/xfao
  Replies (3) Good night (2109) Bad night (718)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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  (509): As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. http://tfl.nu/wazh
  Replies (5) Good night (1356) Bad night (709)
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  (315): View more from New York

  she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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  (315): she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot http://tfl.nu/7zmw
  Replies (7) Good night (2432) Bad night (662)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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  (412): I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine. (412): Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out. http://tfl.nu/kfiz
  Replies (4) Good night (1714) Bad night (525)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.

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  (203): Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed. http://tfl.nu/vekr
  Replies (5) Good night (1019) Bad night (658)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.

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  (757): You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part. http://tfl.nu/w83y
  Replies (4) Good night (831) Bad night (430)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink

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  (928): I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink http://tfl.nu/vd8n
  Replies (5) Good night (727) Bad night (413)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing

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  (224): You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing http://tfl.nu/w6m2
  Replies (1) Good night (692) Bad night (158)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today

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  (+44): If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today http://tfl.nu/7pvc
  Replies (4) Good night (411) Bad night (172)

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