No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
