dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
