Texts From Last Night

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  (954): View more from Florida

  My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.

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  (954): My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet. http://tfl.nu/5qcs
  Replies (48) Good night (1073) Bad night (2850)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes

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  (610): Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes http://tfl.nu/106l
  Replies (26) Good night (590) Bad night (4415)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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  (412): I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people." http://tfl.nu/j747
  Replies (13) Good night (1897) Bad night (4713)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.

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  (214): There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/17ls
  Replies (7) Good night (1623) Bad night (799)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.

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  (715): She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee. http://tfl.nu/wutx
  Replies (7) Good night (1739) Bad night (911)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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  (715): I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption. http://tfl.nu/d2pl
  Replies (6) Good night (1192) Bad night (571)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!

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  (415): Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM! http://tfl.nu/lg7j
  Replies (5) Good night (652) Bad night (2176)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.

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  (706): I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4. http://tfl.nu/ltz1
  Replies (4) Good night (615) Bad night (1870)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo

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  (250): Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo http://tfl.nu/a9s7
  Replies (6) Good night (1765) Bad night (888)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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  (908): I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess http://tfl.nu/xjsr
  Replies (3) Good night (2283) Bad night (543)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"

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  (306): And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing" http://tfl.nu/qhff
  Replies (3) Good night (652) Bad night (1003)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker

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  (612): Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker http://tfl.nu/kwb8
  Replies (4) Good night (514) Bad night (886)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.

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  (307): just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT. http://tfl.nu/ndey
  Replies (29) Good night (2083) Bad night (517)
• Favorite

  (235): View more from

  Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.

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  (235): Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants. http://tfl.nu/kei7
  Replies (2) Good night (678) Bad night (282)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here

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  (630): and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby (1-630): Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted? (630): only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby. (1-630): Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here http://tfl.nu/fcdg
  Replies (2) Good night (366) Bad night (395)

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