just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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