You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
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he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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