Can Purell be used as lube?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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