So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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