I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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