So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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