Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Found the puke drawer
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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