Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
