Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
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Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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