Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
