Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
