Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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