You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
