Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
she peed on how many people?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
