At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
