when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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